Stop trying to make this happen, Nintendo.
My love for Splatoon, Nintendo's quirky take on a multiplayer FPS experience, is matched only by my desire to never play it with the default motion controls enabled. If you're like me, and you're eager to play all of the Global Testfire rounds this weekend, you're going to want to quickly turn that mess off and go back to inking squid kids the way nature intended. Here's how you do that.
When you see the weapon loadout screen, press the + button on your Joy-Con. You'll be taken to the Splatoon 2 settings, where you can adjust things like color lock and camera settings.
Press A to move into the camera settings, scroll all the way to the bottom, and toggle Motion Control from On to Off.
This will keep Splatoon 2 in controller-only mode for the remainder of the Testfire. If you decide you're brave enough to give motion controls another shot later, you can always come back here and turn this on.
Now get out there and spread bright colors everywhere!