NBC's Saturday Night Live (SNL) lampooned Verizon Wireless' confused, complicated, almost chaotic 4G LTE smartphone marketing last night. While Verizon has done a good, restrained job with their iPhone commercials to date, their non-Apple marketing has ranged from "Tell your wife it has a Tegra 2 processor" to tablet names that look more like 1980s Jean Claude van Damme movies, to a dizzying array of overlapping phones with very little in the way of clear segmentation or differentiation.

Right now, if my mom wanted a not-iPhone on Verizon, rolling dice and picking at random would likely be as effective a strategy as walking into the store. (Lucky for her, and for Verizon, there's Android Central)

Verizon would do well to draw up one of the Steve Jobs product grids, but instead of consumer and pro, portable and desktop, stick with consumer and prosumer, keyboard and no keyboard. Then build out slowly from there. A few great devices that get phenomenal, long term support would be far more memorable and marketable.

Source: PhoneArena via The Verge, Android Central

Motion is a new jailbreak utility available in Cydia that makes your iPhone homescreen just a bit more interesting. While Motion may not add a ton of functionality to your device, it's a fun tweak to play around with and show off to your friends. It basically adds transitions and effects to the movement to all of the icons on your springboard.

Motion is a tweak that makes your icons move. There are a whole bunch of settings you can use to liven up your home screen and make your icons dance around.

• Rotate: Make your icons rotate
• Scaling: Make your icons grow
• Skew: Make your icons tilt sideways
• Jump: Make your icons jump
• Transparency: Make your icons fade in and out
• Waves: Make your icons move in waves (vertical and horizontal)

You can use these settings alone, or in combinations.

Motion is already available in the Cydia store and will run on any iPhone, iPad, or iPod touch running iOS 4.x or higher. If you're looking for even more tweaks and utilities to install, check out our guide to the best jailbreak applications for iOS 5.

• $1.00 -- Cydia Store Link

More jailbreak resources:

• How to jailbreak guides
• Jailbreak apps, hacks, and themes
• General jailbreak and unlock help forums

Apple has released a new iPhone 4S commercial outlining how Santa uses Siri on the new iPhone 4S to help make his rounds on Christmas.

While Siri is still in beta, and still has plenty of rough edges, Apple continues to make it the staple feature in its advertising campaigns. Whether that troubles anyone or not, the ad itself is very well done. My favorite part is near the end when Santa asks Siri how how the rest of his day looks, to which Siri responds with... Well, watch it and find out!

Larry, Curly and Moe are coming back to the big screen in 2012, and they aren't quite sure what to make of the iPhone 4S. This clip shows the Three Stooges trying to figure out what an iPhone is and... ultimately failing. (Jump to the 30-second mark for the hilarity.)

Source: YouTube

"It's got all the convenience of talking to a woman without paying that annoying $2.99/minute."

Nice.

Source: Colbert Nation

Some animals just have no taste and this Pug is definitely one of them. Picture the scene; he is happily lying on his owner’s bed watching TV when a commercial comes on. The commercial is for the latest and greatest iPhone 4S but this Pug is having none of it. It sends him into a barking and growling frenzy, stamping his feet, gnashing his teeth, it really is a site to behold. As soon as the ad is finished, he settles down again and continues watching the TV.

Now as we all know, the iPhone 4S is the best iPhone ever, this little Pug must either hate the music on the ad or just hates ads all together. I am sure it has nothing to do with the iPhone 4S!

Source: TNW

Are you perhaps still feeling a little let down by the iPhone 4S announcement? Well here's a small dose of Friday video humor to help you laugh the pain away.

Source: YouTube

The rumors have been spiralling out of control this week and if you are like me, you just want the event to start. Luckily the guys at Joy of Tech have decided to lighten the mood with a cartoon showing what they believe will go on behind the scenes at the Let’s Talk iPhone event. It’s all just a little but of fun and a break from the constant rumor and speculation....Enjoy!

Source: The Joy of Tech

Electronic vending machines aren't anything new when it comes to airports or other travel stops but how about iPad vending machines at a Macy's Department store? Consumerist writer, Ben Popken, spotted one in the men's department of his local Macy's.

What I find interesting is that they'd have these machines in a mall that also contains an Apple Store. I've always understood why they'd have them in airports. If someone has to sit on a 14 hour plane ride they'll probably pay more than retail for an iPad. Jack up the prices and you'll get people to pay them when they're on a time limit to find something to escape boredom for the next several hours. But inside a Macy's is just weird to me.

What do you guys think? Would you buy an iPad or high end electronic device from a vending machine in a department store?

[The Consumerist]

Talk show host Conan O'Brien has obviously been following the latest lost Apple iPhone prototype shenanigans closely as he has put together a rather amusing comedy sketch.

The sketch is based on the format of an Apple advertisement with various imaginery senior Apple employees discussing the person responsible for the theft and what they intend to do the individual when they find him or her.

Just in case you are not aware, this is the second time Apple has mislaid an iPhone prototype in a bar in San Francisco. An iPhone 4 prototype was lost  just before it was officially announced last year. This time it is an alleged iPhone 5 prototype that has been lost and remains at large but unseen so far.

[YouTube]

After reading the news Precentral.net broke about Palm once again being split into separate software (likely to wither) and hardware (likely to die) units, it made me wish we could get a new show on FOX this fall called "Jobs' Business Nightmare". Just like the Gordon Ramsay cooking show, Steve Jobs could tackle another bumbling, downward spiraling tech company each week, shake them up, reorganize their product matrixes, and turn them back towards the path to success. Just like he did with Apple. And he could miraculously do it all in 44 min. Just like Ramsway.

HP could be the pilot.

"Apotheker, come here. 2 seconds. Listen to me. You're in denial. You're ruining webOS. You're ruining it. Donkey."

I'd watch.

Here's a fun story about how an iPhone 4 was used to catch a pesky doorbell ditcher.

James, a UK iOS developer, was being harassed by a doorbell ditcher every morning for a week and wanted to catch the culprit in the act. When he realized that standing at the door all morning looking out his peephole was impractical, he noticed that his iPhone 4 could do it for him. So James grabbed some blue tac, stuck his iPhone to the door, and waited nearby while enjoying his morning coffee with his girlfriend. When he saw the doorbell ditcher arrive, he snapped a photo. Turns out it was the neighbor kid being a prankster on his way to school every day.

After grabbing the pic and quickly opening the door with a loud "HELLOOO!" and watching the poor rascal's skeleton leap out of his body in shock, we were able to show his mother the picture and peace was restored.

Such a great story! Anyone else use their iPhone in an unconventional way?

[TUAW]

The iOS 5 big reveal will be at WWDC tomorrow, Apple always like to say its devices are magical; well if you watch this video they really are. German magician Simon Pierro, who is a German Magic Circle Master, has put together his take on what to expect from iOS 5. He demonstrates some amazing new magical features on his iPad 2. As you would expect, it is rather different to what we all expect but it is well worth a watch.

Check it out after the break. Which features from this video would you like to see in iOS 5? Let us know in the comments!

[iOS Magic]

The video below shows Ronen Verbit having a silly time playing with a little red ball. It doesn't sound very interesting, until you see how he uses three iPhone 4 screens to tell the story.

Ronen, along with a few friends, were able to shoot three separate videos and combine them into one creative and fun story displayed across the three screens depicting him being 'stuck' inside the iPhone 4. It's rather deviceful (no pun intended!) and they did a great job putting this together -- check out the full video after the jump!

[Ronen Verbit via Cult of Mac]

Good April Fool's jokes seem hard to come by these days, but not for this news anchor who convinced his co-host to lick an iPad immediately after she exclaimed "I'm not licking an iPad!"

The host told a story about a breaking new app that lets you taste and smell things on your iPhone or iPad. The new technology was called Pietzo Electrics and although the co-host seemed disgusted by the idea, she was too intrigued to turn it down once the app was placed in front of her.

For some good laughs, check out the video after the break!

Either you can't get enough Angry Birds or you're ready to kill the franchise just to watch it die. Either way, this movie trailer spoof will make you love or hate one of iPhone and iPad's most popular casual games in a whole new way.

(And it will probably get the creatively bankrupt blockbuster machine in Hollywood actual revving into high gear...)

Video after the break.

[YouTube via The Next Web]

iPaditis is either a new plague about to be unleashed on humanity... or a way for the BBC to poke a little fun at those of us who enjoy our iPads.

(And yes, BBC really did a video about iPads that's not iPad compatible. Check out our how to watch Flash video tip for work-arounds.)

[BBC, thanks Kerri!]

Last night, Conan O'Brian had a fun, life-sized game of Angry Birds on stage and teased Apple for getting cocky about the iPad 2 with a mock promo video that is based off the following slogan:

iPad 2. You'll buy it no matter what we say.

To make the Angry Birds game more exciting, Conan had the pigs hiding under IKEA furniture because Finland's arch rival is Sweden (Angry Birds was developed in Finland, and IKEA is based out of Swedan).

For some good laughs, check out the videos after the break! [Requires Flash -- blame Coco, not us!]

I don't know about you but I watched Wednesday's iPad 2 keynote pretty closely and didn't see the video below among the promos Steve Jobs chose to play. Might it have been pulled at the last second?

[Thanks John!]

After yesterday's announcement of the iPhone 4's arrival to Verizon, Jon Stewart had a hilarious segment of The Daily Show celebrating his freedom from AT&T. His corespondent, John Oliver, joins halfway through with interviews with people in the street - all streamed from his AT&T iPhone with terrible reception.

For the past three or four years, those of us in the iPhone community have sacrificed one thing for the ability to carry around every photograph we’ve ever taken, or song we’ve ever listened to, or home video, or compass - we have sacrificed the ability to make phone calls.

For a good laugh, check out the video after the break!

[BGR]

Penny Arcade pokes a little fun at the central character's motivation in Infinity Blade for iPhone and iPad! (NSFW-L)

[Penny Arcade]

Scoopertino, a website that is devoted to fake Apple news, "got their hands on" a very top-secret Apple document - Steve Jobs' New Year's resolutions.

The napkin is standard-issue Starbucks beige. Written in what appears to be a thin Sharpie, black, are ten numbered resolutions. It cannot be determined if they are in ascending or descending order of importance. Three mug stains appear to be random.

1. Keep the Verizon myth going
2. More crank calls to Zuckerberg
3. Trademark "Steve" - sue Ballmer's ass
4. Fire Schiller if he FaceTime's me nude again
5. Reject more apps, just for fun
6. Change phone number, don't give to Woz
7. Double Mossberg's payola
8. Fire someone on their birthday
9. Upgrade to iPhone 4 when antenna gets fixed.
10. Shut down scoopertino - ain't funny

Now, I know this is all for laughs, but I can't help but think that resolution #3 holds some truth!

[Scoopertino via macstories]

Angry Birds. Greedy Pigs. Can't they all just get along?

Yeah, we meant to post this last week but it got lost in the shuffle. Luckily nobody's forgotten about Angry Birds yet... Video after the break.

[Eretz Nehederet via YouTube, thanks Benny]

I don't know about you but I have this love/hate relationship with my iPhone's auto correct. I can't spell (don't tell Rene!) so I can't really live without it, but that means I end up having auto correct change my words, sometimes into something horrific. If you think that's funny head on over to Damnyouautocorrect.com, a site dedicated entirely to just this type of humor.

One more, potentially NSFW, after the break.

Has this ever happened to you? Leave a comment, share your misfortune, and give me a laugh at the same time!

[Damnyouautocorrect]

John from the Los Angeles-based sketch group that created this white iPhone 4 response video sent it in, hoping the humor would help ease the sting of non-release.

Let us know if laughter really is the best medicine, after the break!

Footages from Star Wars of the Deathstar attack briefing overlaid with audio of Steve Jobs introducing the iPad. Geek cute to be sure, but they could have gone the extra Star Wars fanboy mile and overlaid Jobs' head on the old dude and the iPad schematics over the Deathstar.

Still, a ton of you sent this in, so enjoy!

YouTube link

Dilbert's author, Scott Adams, decided to poke a little fun at the whole iPhone HD/iPhone 4G incident by drafting up 2 strips of goodness that, because of the slow pace of newspaper publication, will only ever be seen on the web. Check them out.

[Dilbert.com via DF]

It isn't uncommon for parents to allow their small children to play with their iPhone and iPad, but it turns out the iPad can also be an effective (albeit, expensive) cat toy.

Watch Iggy the cat play his favorite iPad games, Noby Noby Boy [$1.99 - iTunes link] and Magic Piano [$0.99 - iTunes link] after the break!

We figure this is how desperate people try to print from their iPad. Or how they use comedy to handle their frustration. Sigh. More elegant solution, Apple?

[Form Group via @Brilliantcrank via Engadget]

You knew with a name like the iPad, the jokes they would follow but Hiphandmaids on Etsy takes it to a new level.

They have developed a real, usable case which is in the form of a feminine napkin -- and yes it has wings. Etsy is selling these "cases" for $30.00 US for the month of March as a promotion.

Here is how Etsy describes the case on their website:

>With its durable vinyl outer layer and plush, quilted-cotton sleeve, the iMaxi helps keep your iPad clean and dry. Plus, the iMaxi's Velcro-latched, advanced wing design wraps snugly around your device, so your iPad always stays where it should. Best of all, it shields it from all those unsightly and embarrassing data leaks that would make any motherboard worry!

>Each handmade iMaxi can be easily customized to fit your active lifestyle. Please view other listings for different color options including our "lived in" red thread interior. If you don’t see a color you like, just ask!

So if I bought one for Rene, which should I get, white or lived in ?

A couple more pics after the break!

A little Photoshop fun with the idea that if the iPhone grew into the iPad, then the iPad is just waiting to grow into... Well, see above.

[BeGeek.fr via Gizmodo, thanks to everyone who sent this in!]

What's a ton of hype without a bit of fun being poked at it, and after prying the mythical iTablet away from a plushy Steve Jobs, Walt Mosspuppet gives the full on, fake on, review.

Fire. The wheel. Barbers. The moveable printing press. Whiskey. The automobile. The personal computer. Walt Mossberg.

The iPhone. And now, finally, the iSlate.

Video, after the break!

Mosspuppet passed along a rumor that says Apple is not going to provide 3G radio for the iTablet/iSlate, but rather make it automagically, and persistently tethered to an iPhone, harkening back to Palm's legendary Foleo device -- that never shipped.

Sure, Mosspuppet is a... well, a puppet, and likely only has access to the plush version of Apple's upcoming tablet, but the humor to this rumor has us thinking -- it's totally the kind of crazy, maddening move that would drive consumers out of their minds and get the tech press shouting "why?!" from every post.

And AT&T would love it, given how they haven't even gotten iPhone tethering up and running and it's, what, 2010 now or something?

[YouTube video link]

The often NSFW-L, sometimes inebriated Walt Mosspuppet is back with a last-minute gift giving guide just in time for the holidays. For the record, we agree with #4 completely, but wouldn't restrict it to just your wife, even if she is a prom queen. The others we either think are okay, or want to distance ourselves from completely.

Gift. Up.

Chad and Phil spotted this in the wee hours, and it being no more believable than many of the so-called analyst predictions about the when's and how-muches involving Apple's still unannounced iTablet, we figured it might be a fun, fakety fake fake sort way to start off the real weekend.

And if Apple by chance does make something close-ish to this, would you want?

[No Where Else via Gizmodo]

A week or so ago we ran a quote from Vogue that basically said Bill and Melinda Gates had banned iPods and iPhones from their house, though Melinda admitted sometimes she wished she had an iPhone (and honestly, who -- outside of WMExperts -- could blame her?)

Well, absent more information we turn to more comedy, and specifically Funny or Die's spoof of what's really going on inside the Gateskeep.

Note: Contains language that wouldn't be aired on American broadcast networks. If that's not your cup'o'humor, avoid.

Our public frenemy number one, Kevin from CrackBerry.com rubbed his nefarious hands, squealed in sinister glee, and shot off this link to a video showing all the jealous, outdated smartphones ganging up on our elegant, perfectly balanced iPhone for a little cartoon chaos. (Also: someone dubbed -- poorly -- some kind of Brooklyn accent on our iPhone hero: everyone knows he really speaks like a chorus of Steve Jobs).

The language is NOT appropriate for children, so stay away if you're not old enough to play.

Also, if anyone has the UNEDITED footage, where the iPhone grabs the BlackBerry in a Wushi finger hold and Skeedoosh's the push out of him, send that link our way ASAP.

Steve Jobs is likely set to unleash the hounds on Fox's The Simpsons TV show, after they thoroughly lampooned the iPhone and all things Apple on last night's episode. Check out both videos after the break. (Via Gizmodo)

Okay, phew, it's not just us. Seems everyone is being swept up in the iPhone vs. Android hype, including the fun(nerer)-loving folks over at College Humor, who wrote in to tell us:

Yesterday, Google introduced their new Android cell phone platform, which is expected to bring big competition to the iPhone, but people are already starting to notice a few glitches with the new phone's features. Specifically the Did-You-Mean feature.

Visual hilarity ensues, so be sure to go check it out!

Chances are, if you're reading this you've been in this spot: a loved one suddenly wises up to your gadget addiction and is forced to call you out on it. Looking into your desk drawer and the tangle of USB cables snaking out of your computer, you're forced to agree that, yes, perhaps you don't need all these iPods.

Above, the heartwarming tale of how Paolo dealt with his familial intervention. The next time you realize that, yes, you maybe didn't need to buy that 2nd iPhone to back up your first, we guarantee Paolo's method for resolving the issue will get you out of the bind. Well, maybe we don't guarantee it, but it's certainly worth a shot.

Joy of Tech are geniuses. Read their cartoons. Laugh. Or just smile knowingly. 'Nuff said!

(US IP's only, Canadians can check it out here at 10:00 in. If any international readers can provide additional localized links in the comments, it would be appreciated!)

Attention iPhone users! When Steve Jobs admitted the iPhone had a "kill switch", everyone thought it was just industry jargon for disabling potentially malicious applications. Everyone but noted fake-news anchor and iPhone luster, Stephen Colbert, who says this makes the iPhone the #1 threat: "Your iPhone Can Kill You." His solution? "A Zune can't kill you... or do anything else."

Colbert's stare down with a Facebook and AIM sporting 3G is classic, complete with a subtle nod to one of this year's... er... least comprehensible iPhone appearances in film....

(via Engadget)

Calvin and Hobbes ties with Bloom County as my all-time favorite strip cartoon. Two Xmas' ago, my friends bought me the fancy collected edition and I spent a week pouring over it. Killer imagination. Killer.

And while notorious recluse and rights reserver Bill Watterson would probably unleash all kinds of fury at the Apple-based, real-world intruding, Silicon Valley send-up, Calvin and Jobs, for those who follow the tech industry, it's unique combination of nostalgia and "inside baseball" humor is compelling.

(Via Gizmodo)

Rakesh Agrawal’s 3 year old daughter devised a clever means for watching instructional videos on her father's iPhone using common refrigerator magnets to mount the device on the fridge. Positioned for just her height, the industrious little scamp uses her iPhone to learn Yo-yo techniques by watching How-to videos from Veronica Belmont of Mahalo Daily. I'm betting Mom and Dad won't be so proud once the 3 year old realizes her invention is patentable and a lucrative product market, enjoying fabulous wealth while her parents are left staring at a empty refrigerator.

She's not the only one learning lessons from Veronica. I kid...Veronica is awesome, and wonderfully entertaining. I've always enjoyed her ebullient personality since her days at C|net, co-hosting Buzz Out Loud and Crave. She's in my Facebook and Pownce friends lists for a reason.

Read

Boys and girls, let me tell you it ain't easy living without your iPhone for more than a week. The phrase Testicular impact comes to mind. It feels like eternity has passed since that dreaded day my inquisitive mind and impatient nature claimed the life of my iPhone. Rather than wait around for iPhone Dev Team to create a resuscitative baseband update, I applied my $100 Apple Store coupon towards the puchase of a second iPhone and succumbed to the siren call of Marimba ringtones.

So here I am, back in business. Never again shall I tamper with iPhone's inner plumbing or perform half-assed hacks - at least not on THIS unit. The bricked unit will become my official Frankenphone for testing purposes. Let's just hope that I can tell these two apart and not accidently monkey with the wrong phone. I've already walked out the door with the wrong iPhone in my hand, twice! Fun times.

The Onion, one of America's finest satirical newspapers, has a funny article on the impending backlash against Apple. Mark your calendars!

Time Warner is building an iTunes competitor. You know, sometimes I get irked when I see websites use the word "competitor" so loosely. The geniuses at Time Warner Cable have had a long time to think about music and they've had a long time to watch Apple's iTunes and mirror its success. So, they've unveiled a service that is:

1. Not iPhone compatible.
2. Not iPod compatible either.
3. Half as many songs as iTunes.
4. Not compatible with Macs at all.
5. Windows Media format only, plus DRM.
6. Subscription only, $9.95 / month

It'll sell like gangbusters. This competitor is pretty much a license to print money. It's the lost formula to turn lead into gold. It's the missing link that will make the Zune sell like hotcakes.

AT&T has modified their Terms of Service to bar their customers from griping. Their new terms of service now includes language that states they can terminate your connection for doing things that "tends to damage the name or reputation of AT&T, or its parents, affiliates and subsidiaries." An important distinction: the threat gag is just for the DSL portion of AT&T, aka BellSouth.

I don't expect it to work; actually, I expect it to backfire. Case in point, I'm going to slur the name of AT&T in this very sentence when I would not have otherwise:

the halls of AT&T are nothing more than a powder room for dandies, johnny-come-latelies and fops; the same is equally true if not more so for AT&T's parents, affiliates, and subsidiaries.

I don't know who shares the most blame in this triad of technical blunders; Apple for it's strong arm tactics...iPhone Dev Team for their malfunctioning anySIM unlock app...Or myself for ever engaging in this exercise. A pragmatist would say I am solely to blame, but I am anything but pragmatic.

Nope, I blame the aforementioned parties for this debacle. I was merely innocent bystander. Right? crickets chirping in the background

"I think it's a mistake. I think it would provide a lot more flexibility in applications being developed."

Lego artist Nathan Sawaya put together a rather awesome Lego iPhone. His art piece is available for just $399. Of course, just buying the Lego pieces individually would cost you dramatically less, but exactly how much less depends on the weakening strength of the U.S. dollar against the Euro. Of course, Sawaya's review of the iPhone is short and sweet:

"It is just about actual size. The service is spotty. And before you ask, yes, it costs $399."

Woot.com mocks Steve Jobs' open letter to early adopters. It seems they were selling Zunes at $149, then dropped the price to $129, and they got three angry emails. So, they figured that they'd write mock open letter, get a price cut, and get mentioned on some blogs. And it's worked, since here we are. After the break is the full content of their open letter, preserved since I can't find a permanent link to the page. It's witty and cutting, as you might notice in the quick quote posted below:

"If you always wait for the next price cut or to buy the new improved model, you’ll never buy any technology product. I mean, why should you? Truth is, you don’t really need any of this junk. We’re afraid you’ll catch on to that fact and overpaid frauds like me will have to go back into fields like telemarketing and burrito construction. Fortunately, most of you continue to languish in a consumerist stupor, wallets spread wide for us to plunder as we please."

In other news, the Zune guy got his 3rd Zune tattoo. He gets progressively happier with each tattoo; with the first tattoo he looked positively bewildered.

Update: Zune guy's name is Steven Smith. If I just call him Zune guy, he's just as soulless as the company that his tattoos embody. But there's a person behind those tattoos. Sure, he's totally confused. The Zune sucks reportedly sucks pretty bad. Maybe Zune 2.0 won't suck? No, unfortunately -- by the time Microsoft comes out with a decent Zune, all the logos and slogans he's currently got inked on him will be obsolete.

figure 1: Notoriety is a double-edged sword.

An Emergency Open Letter

To all Woot customers:

I have received more than three emails from Zune buyers who are upset about Woot dropping the price of the Zune by $20 one month after it went on sale the first time. After reading every one of these emails, or at least scanning their subject lines, I have some observations and conclusions.

First, I need to make a better effort to hide my email address.

Second, I am sure that we are making the correct decision to lower the price of the 30GB Zune from $149.99 to $129.99. This confidence is based on more than the holy doctrine of corporate infallibility. The Zune is a breakthrough product, and we have the chance to “ride the lightning” and “shoot the curl” this holiday season, not to mention “kill the messenger” and “rock the vote”, further enabling us to “pay the rent” and “keep the lights on”. It benefits both Woot and every Zune user (but especially Woot) to drag as many new victims as possible into the Zune “dungeon”. We strongly believe that misery loves company this holiday season.

Third, being in technology for 1+ years, give or take a year, I can attest to the fact that the technology road is bumpy. There is always some idiot changing lanes without signaling, and the potholes never seem to get fixed. If you always wait for the next price cut or to buy the new improved model, you’ll never buy any technology product. I mean, why should you? Truth is, you don’t really need any of this junk. We’re afraid you’ll catch on to that fact and overpaid frauds like me will have to go back into fields like telemarketing and burrito construction. Fortunately, most of you continue to languish in a consumerist stupor, wallets spread wide for us to plunder as we please. The bad news for us is that if you buy products from companies that support them well, you will receive years of useful and satisfying service. But we’re hoping you’ll buy from Woot instead.

Third-and-a-half, even though we are making the right decision to lower the price of the Zune, and even though the technology road is, like, this total Deathrace 2000-type scene, we need to do a better job taking care of our early Zune customers, at least until we find a private security firm we can afford. For some reason, our early customers trusted us. We must live up to that trust with our actions in moments like these, lest you turn off the money spigot that maintains our decadent lifestyles. These peacock-egg omelets and mink-lined Jacuzzis don’t pay for themselves, you know.

Therefore, we have decided to offer every Woot customer who purchased a Zune from us on August 22, 2007 (or in the last Woot-Off) a $10 Woot credit towards any Woot order of $40 or more, before shipping. If that’s you, just enter the coupon code BUMPYROAD while making your purchase, and boo-yah: you’re mayor of Discount City. This discount applies to any Woot site, including Woot.com, Shirt.Woot, Wine.Woot, Sellout.Woot, and Beets.Woot. It doesn't expire, so feel free to check back everyday 'til you find something that will temporarily fill the void in your soul. You may use the coupon as many times as you bought Zunes. So, if you bought one Zune from us back in August, you can use BUMPYROAD once; if you bought two, you can use it twice; and so forth and so on and what-have-you. But you can only use the discount once on any one order. We make this decision with every confidence that most of you will never want any of the crap we sell anyway.

We want to convincingly pretend to do the right thing for our valued Zune customers. We’d apologize for disappointing some of you, but we long ago lost the capacity for sincere remorse. We will continue to do our best to trick you into having high expectations of Woot.

Larry Stalin
Woot CYA Officer

"New rule: stop bitching that Apple cut the price of the iPhone. Early adopters always pay a premium. Early adopters being a business term meaning dips***s who stand in line for 6 hours for a freaking phone. It's not a price cut, it's a repeal on the nerd tax. If you didn't have to be the first on your block to have the latest gizmo, you'd now have an extra $200 to spend on your imaginary girlfriend."

Well known comedian, and marijuana advocate, Bill Maher humiliates iPhone fanboys still rabid over iPhone's $200 price cut. Maher goes on to call angry early adopters "dipshits" for having stood in line for a hours to buy a phone, and tells us to stop our bitching. His commentary is delightful and insulting, as always.

Sorry, Bill. I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome my iPhone is.

Read

figure 1: Woz is now apparently openly dating Kathy Griffin. Just humor me, I'm sick.

Steve "Woz" Wozniak, Segway-Polo-playing co-founder of Apple, brokered a handshake at the 2007 Emmy Awards celebration. The handshake marks the end of formal Kathy Griffin / America Ferrera hostilities. This handshake will likely go down in history as one of the more famous handshakes -- right up there with Sadat-Rabin.

In a rare candid interview, we sat down with Fake Ed Colligan, chief executive officer of Palm Computing. Ed graciously agreed to a conversation with us to discuss a number of relevant issues including Palm's troubled past and market missteps in the handset industry. So let's get to it.

TIB: Ed, first off I want to thank you for taking time out from your schedule to speak with us. I'm sure you're a very busy guy these days, what with the board transition, the Elevation Partners deal, and shareholder approval.

Ed: Oh, not all. My pleasure. In fact I'm really not that busy these days.

TIB: Oh? You mean you delegate authority to other members of Palm's executive team?

Ed: Well, no. By that I mean there really isn't that much to do. Treo sales are falling, and there's not a lot we seem to be able to do about that right now, other than watch sales descend. You know...sort of on a downward trajectory.

TIB: I see. But have you given thought as to what your company might do in terms of a change in strategy to...reverse that trend?

Ed: laughter Well, Kent...it's not that simple. I mean - look, we are in a very competitive market right now. And consumers and business customers are beginning to demand more from our products than we can deliver on. You know, it used to be easy for us. Our product strategy was...just rehash the same old products year after year, making very incremental improvements, a few tweaks here and there, and repackage them as new SKUs. Customers actually bought into that. You know, sort of like a high school girl with low self esteem; she never expected to snag the star quarterback so she settled for the class nerd. That sort of thing. It gave us a real competitive edge to have that kind of loyalty.

We lost that advantage. Competition has changed the rules, and reset expectations. Now we may as well be selling dead rats in a box. Frankly our customers just aren't as dumb as they once were, and that poses a real challenge for us. Take the Treo 680 line. We took our existing product...the 650 - snipped off the antenna - painted it in different color schemes and presented it as a "new" product. At one time our loyal customers would shit themselves at the mere sight of a new Treo. Even rumors about our upcoming products had people jumping. They really got off on that kind of thing. Now, pfffft. They don't care. They just don't care. It's tough. TIB: I understand. Ok, speaking of dead rats, let's talk about your platform. PalmOS has pretty much reached its end of life, and yet it still remains on shipping devices. Why is that?

Ed: Well there you begin to see our problem. It goes back to what I just said. We are working very hard to convince customers that our products, and platform, are both competitive and state of the art. And to be blunt; pulling the wool over the eyes of our customers is...just not as easy as it once was . I think the acuteness level has gone up dramatically. Consumer perceptiveness is up there now. raises hand in the air

TIB: Right, but what about your platform strategy? Obviously you intend to wholly replace the Palm operating system with a succeeding platform based on Linux, that you have in development at this moment. How are you coming along with that and how soon will we see it shipping on devices?

Ed: sighs Pfffft. Honestly Kent, I couldn't tell ya. I really couldn't. You know I'm on the phone with these guys in Platform Development every day, chewing asses out. But all I get is a bunch of crap about difficulties in merging legacy architectures with with some new host framework. Hey, I don't even know what the hell any of it means. I just keep telling them...GET IT DONE. TIB: When will it be "done" do you think?

Ed: Who knows. Maybe in Q2 of next year, maybe it will slip to Q3. I don't know. What I do know is this new platform isn't going to fail like that last one that PalmSource developed. Remember Cobalt? Jesus, what an unmitigated disaster that turned out to be, huh? We waited around for two years for those idiots at PalmSource to bake their OS, and they hand us a plate full of sh...well, it was bad. Thank God we've been able to limp along with Garnet as long as we have.

TIB: Speaking of PalmSource. Describe to me your relationship with your former OS division, and Access, who later acquired them.

Ed: sigh Kent, I tell you. rubbing forehead I could write a book about these clowns, I really could. And David Nagel, their former CEO? That leftover from Apple's refrigerator? He sank the company faster than I could sync my Treo. laughter Oh God what a nutjob. I mean, to give you an example; you just brought up Garnet, our legacy operating system. What the hell kind of name is that for a product? It sounds like an old Jewish woman. These are the kinds of management decisions this screwball made. I rest my case.

But that's all in the past now. As you know Access acquired PalmSource a few years ago, so that's...water under the bridge. I guess. shrugs

TIB: Tell me about Access

Ed: silence Let me ask you, Kent. Have you ever depended on someone? I mean depended on someone for your well being. You know, like your future depended on their actions, or outcome of their actions? And then have that person screw you to the wall. Not only to the wall, but actually all the way through it, till you came out the other side? Well it's kinda like that, only more serious.

They led us down a dead end street. A dark and lonely street filled with hungry wolves, and buzzards circling overhead. They took our former intellectual property, our platform, and ran away with it. Leaving us with our thumbs up our...well, they screwed us is what they did. So now we have to scramble like crazy to get this new Linux thing, whatever the hell it is, out the door and into devices, like yesterday. So we got slapped with a double whammy of PalmSource incompetence, followed by a hit and run by Access. sigh

TIB: Access is working on a parallel platform based on Linux as well. Have you thought about licensing their software.

Ed: laughter Oh, you were serious? Sorry I took that as a joke. No. Hell no, we're not going anywhere near that company or its software. We intend to take our share of the intellectual property and escape with our lives. Those bast...well, they can just forget signing us on as licensee for ALP, ALPO or whatever the hell they call that Linux platform they peddle. We're gone.

TIB: Speaking of things going away. Tell me about Foleo. What was the deal with this product? How did its conception come about?

Ed: See, here again I come back to my earlier point about customer perceptiveness. They're catching on to us, and now even before we get these products out the door.

Foleo started out something like this: We had this idea; wouldn't it be great if we took a laptop, crippled it with low-end hardware, stripped away all the useful but costly components, and installed some funky Linux OS on it, saving licensing costs from Microsoft. We'll call it something other than a laptop, even though that's all it really was, and charge as much for it as a notebook PC. We figured...hey, it worked for us before, it'll work again.

Unfortunately customers, and the media, attacked it. Rather vigorously so...to say the least. So, what with shareholders and analysts riding me, and Engadget posting that unfavorable story about us, I had no choice but to scrap it. Foleo kind of blew up in my face, but in this industry you live and learn. Perseverance. That's the key. TIB: But who was its target market?

Ed: Anyone stupid enough to buy it. Anyone we could find. Would you like one, Kent? I have truckloads of these things just sitting in boxes. We took a bath on this deal. I'll be giving Foleos away as Christmas gifts to family and friends, whether they've been naughty or nice. You know what I'm saying? laughter

TIB: Let's talk about the competition for a second. Back in January at the Churchill Club event, just after Apple unveiled iPhone, you were quoted as saying something to the effect that, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Apple isn't just going to walk in and get it right." Do you remember saying that?

Ed: Yes.

TIB: But the iPhone has in fact largely proven to be hugely successful. Reviews are positive. Analysts see the product and technology as innovative. Consumer satisfaction is higher than any other smartphone. And Apple recently announced that, in the space of 76 days, they have sold more iPhones than you sell Treos in an entire quarter.

Ed: Yep. I know.

Yeah, what can I say? I throw my hands up; guilty! laughs Sometimes we say things that come back to bite us right in the ass. And that's certainly not one of my best quotes, I'll grant you that. But don't count us out just yet, because we're not done yet. This game is only just beginning. The battle has...has...just barely gotten underway and we have not yet begun to fight. We're putting on our battle uniforms, you know? We got our helmets on, all polished up. And we're in it to win it.

TIB: You say Palm is ready for battle, and the fight has only just begun. But that's not entirely accurate, is it? I mean hasn't the battle, as you call it, been going on for more than several years now? Aren't you guys a bit late to the party.

Ed: silence Speaking of late. Gosh, look at the time. I'd love to stay and chat with you some more but I really do have to hit the bricks.

TIB: Alright, Ed. You show those bricks who's boss. Thanks.

Ed: Thank you.

*disclaimer: the above interview is parody and entirely fictional. The opinions and views expressed belong solely to the voices in my head. No Palm executives were harmed in the making of this article. Void where prohibited.

And now for something completely different.

figure 1: his errors. let me show you them.

Now that Apple has posted their sales numbers, some analyst doubters are poking their way out.

First up is Ted Wallingford of downloadsquad, who forgot that the 10 million mark goal is for the end of 2008, not 2007, and he's just not excited about the hype anymore. When the sentence read this:

In order to achieve this feat now, he needs retail to sell 9 million units in four months

I could understand the premise of the article. But when it's changed to this:

In order to achieve this feat now, he needs retail to sell 9 million units in four 16 months

ZOMG! They're going to have to sell an extra two million at the same rate in the next year and a half. The comments there are worth a read.

And this sales analysis article is crud too, as noted by John Gruber of Daring Fireball (I'm pleased to note that we're sponsoring his RSS feed this week). I would also hope that a stock analyst can work with graphs that are something other than linear. Otherwise... it may be time to find a new analyst. Here's a hint, they don't call it the "demand curve" for nothing.

Something to lighten your dreary Monday morning, perhaps? A geek comic strip called HijinksEnsue has posted its hardy har har take on Apple's abrupt decision to recompense iPhone users with Apple Store credits, or whatever they're doling out to us.

Click to laugh, or roll your eyes.

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Some people never learn the difference between positive attention and negative attention. Rob Enderle might be one of those people, but at least it keeps him in the news. From the New York Times:

Rob Enderle, president of the Enderle Group, a market research firm in San Jose, Calif., was skeptical of the store credit.

"A $100 credit could be perceived as adding insult to injury," said Mr. Enderle, noting that store credits are seldom well received. “It’s a way to make you go buy something else, and gives the company a chance to make more money."

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. I'm not thinking "Sweet, Leopard will be a $29 upgrade," or "time for a pair of noise-canceling headphones." I'm sure no one is thinking "iPod Nano for $50" either. Or "$100 iTunes certificate!" That's certainly crossed no one's mind. Really, I know the NY Times put him in there because it will get people to link to their story. Well, it worked. And I'm just sorry for everyone involved.

In other news, congrats on the NY Times quote, Kevin. Thank you for saying something intelligent instead of trolling to keep your name in the news via negative attention.

Initially the allure was charming, but now I've grown so weary of attracting gawkers - strangers accosting me with stupid questions, asking me to demo features and functionality. I'm thinking of printing an FAQ card to hold up each time someone approaches me.

Yes, it is an iPhone

Yes, it is awesome

Yes, it works exactly as the TV ads depict

Yes, you are standing on my foot!

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Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy buys girl iPhone to express his love. Girl cheats on boy. Boy sells cheating girl's iPhone on Craigslist.

I love a happy ending.

ReadSource

Oh snap! This video has all the best qualities of human expression - mockery, sarcasm, ridicule, taunting...reminds me of middle school, minus the bully who stole my lunch money.

Take that, Microsoft...and Greg Johnson! I'll take back all that lunch money you stole from me in $50s and $100s.

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After hours of active use, your iPhone's screen will become filled with more greasy fingerprints and smudges than the front doors of your local McDonalds. How can you see through all that film? Wipe if off? No, be creative. Express your inner artist. Let your fingers inspire you. Rub your iPhone's slippery glass surface in delicate strokes, forming shapes and contours. Create images and silhouettes from the deposited facial oil. Where others see a smudgy screen, I see the face of a clown.

Now spray Windex onto a sheet of paper towel, lightly dampened. Then clean your filthy screen, and get back to work. Stop wasting time.

Nothing could be more relaxing than a luxurious home theater environment, complete with movie theater seating. Just lean back in your comfy reclining chair, and immerse yourself in a great flick brought to life by a huge projection screen. Pure ecstasy.

That is until you are ripped back into reality by the unmistakable sound of your iPhone being crushed by the very chair you are sitting in, like the jaws of a giant can crusher. Unlike the movie you were watching, this story doesn't have a happy ending.

This is precisely what happened to one person, who posted his experience (complete with photos) on Flickr. Here's the story...

My barely month-old iPhone met its end last night in the home theater. Unbeknownst to me, the phone slipped out of my pocket and down between the cushion and side of the recliner. At the end of the movie, I had a little trouble pushing in the footrest. However, after a few increasingly enthusiastic shoves, I was able to snap the footrest back into place. After a few minutes, I noticed my iPhone was missing. Upon searching the chair, I discovered the phone underneath the recliner with part of the lower half shattered, but it still worked. I had repeatedly crunched my phone in the metal mechanism of the recliner. Luckily, the folks at my local Apple store were kind enough to send me a new 8GB iPhone for free.

ReadSource

I don't like to post iPhone wallpaper sites to the front page unless they're really good; I usually put them in the rejected story links thread in the forum. And the one I'm about to link to is not good. The UI is designed for the iPhone, but you can't actually download anything to the iPhone, so you have to download the wallpaper in a UI that's incredibly constrained on your desktop web browser, leading me to believe that the site creator hasn't actually used an iPhone. Supporting this theory is the fact that the site is hosted in Japan. And the name is a hilarious Engrish mangle: iPShake. Yes, I-P-Shake. But hey, it has horoscopes. You can get it all here.

A man recently attended a Weird Al Yankovic performance and managed to get an autograph. He asked the comic to sign the back of his iPhone, thereby reducing its resale value instantly. Tragic!

[via]

Justine Ezarik from Tasty Blog Snack got an unexpected surprise in the mail today - her first phone bill from AT&T, after purchasing an iPhone and switching carriers. Nothing unusual about that, except that it arrived in a box (that would be my first clue that something terribly wrong had occurred at AT&T's billing department), not an envelope, and...oh yeah...it's 300 freaking pages long!

AT&T apologized sincerely for this error, and promised that in future all iPhone bills will arrive in carefully packed boxes stacked on wooden palettes, delivered by forklift to your front door for your convenience.

Read

28 year old Thomas Martel of Bonnie Brae, Colorado, found manipulating his iPhone to be difficult thanks to his big fat thumbs always getting in the way. His options were to upgrade to a device with larger buttons, or chop off his thumbs. The choice was obvious - chop off the thumbs, of course. Well not quite.

Martel underwent a relatively new procedure, called "Whittling", that involves filing down bone and reconstructing muscles and fingertip, creating leaner thumbs that are less bulbous in form.

“From my old Treo, to my Blackberry, to this new iPhone, I had a hard time hitting the right buttons, and I always lost those little styluses. Sure, the procedure was expensive, but when I think of all the time I save by being able to use modern handhelds so much faster, I really think the surgery will pay for itself in ten to fifteen years. And what it’s saving me in frustration - that’s priceless.”

No, that's crazy. My legs are too long for my car, bunching up under the steering wheel, but I don't plan on having two inches of Femur removed to improve my driving.

Who says technology should adapt to us?

[UPDATE:]North Denver News has posted a clarification/retraction to this story, stating that it clearly was an innocent hoax. Here's a tip...leave the art of parody to the pros, mkay? Thanks.

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Flickr user waveman216 hurt himself, and he tacitly blames the iPhone. He dropped his iPhone, and didn't follow proper safety protocol while using the treadmill. Seriously, the guy was using a treadmill with no helmet, no elbow pads, no knee pads, no shoulder pads, no chest armor, no body cast, no anything. So he drops his iPhone, like he hasn't seen all of the video of iPhones being dropped and nothing happens to the iPhone, stops running, falls down, hurts himself, and can't get up. It's been posted all over, but originally showed up at Consumerist. I guess it's a slow news day everywhere.

Remember all those horrific injury stories we heard when the Nintendo Wii first began arriving in homes, with flying Wii remotes carving a path of devastation and injury to humans and their canine friends? Apparently iPhone is next product in line to join the proud pantheon of killer consumer devices.

Travis Gohr learned a valuable lesson while excercising - treadmills and iPhones don't mix. He chronicles the sad sequences of events that led to his folly.

Or, how to kill yourself with an iPhone. Step 1. Purchase an iPhone. I'd recommend the more valuable one as that will make you more willing to risk life for it. Step 2. Gain access to a treadmill. Step 3. Use said iPhone while using treadmill. Step 4. When your iPhone magically slides off the stand, hits the treadmill and rockets off behind you, make SURE to follow it's trajectory with your head, not just your eyes. Step 5. If you've completed step 4 correctly you should now be facing sideways on the treadmill instead of forward. Your head should also be cranked completely around behind you. The position of your body will lead to you being completely off balance. Let the treadmill do the rest. Step 6. Your feet should fly out from under you and if your head is still facing backwards you should land flat on your back on the treadmill. It will then proceed to rocket you backwards. Step 7. This is of UTMOST importance. You will only stay airborne for a quick second and when you come down, the back of the treadmill will strike somewhere on your body. Make SURE it hits you DIRECTLY in the spine. Step 8. You should now have a broken spine. If not, repeat. Or, you might just end up blogging about how you ended up with a wicked pressure burst on your back.

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Whoever this chap "lonelysandwich" is he deserves a medal for a brilliantly conceived video and working concept of copy and paste on iPhone.

P.S. I love you too, lonelysandwich.

Read

You know the old saying "When one door closes, another one opens"? Well in Apple's case the reverse sometimes proves to be true. Take for example the recently release iPhone update which, among other things, supposedly includes several bug fixes. Unfortunately it also introduces a few bugs as well, or at least that is the case with Mail.

Since installing the update Mail performs with all the vigor and reliability of a US Postal carrier, which is to say not much. I can't go one hour without Mail locking up on me or crapping out in some fashion. In a typical scenario, I tap on the Mail icon > go to one of my IMAP accounts > navigate to the inbox > wait for it to check for new mail > while it's doing that I often go on to another application as I wait (what can I say, EDGE is slow). When I go back into Mail I am greeted with a completely black screen, save for the toolbar at the top which displays the AT&T logo, time, battery meter, etc.

That's it! Nothing.

If I stay at that screen long enough I am eventually deposited back to the home screen as Mail finally takes its death dive. Often I cannot even get back to the home screen because Mail is apparently hogging all available process resources as it chugs and gurgles its last breath. In cases where Mail doesn't succumb to fatal injury, I experience complete idle behavior.

If I tap on the account sync icon, asking Mail to check for and retrieve new email...nothing happens. No attempt is even made to connect with the mail server - even when a strong EDGE or WiFi connection is available. It just stays there displaying my old read email, while new (unread) email is in fact sitting on the server ready for retrieval.

At first this issue was simply annoying. Now it's becoming a hindrance. I use my iPhone to conduct business. Email is mission critical for me.

So Apple, if you could offer a fix for these issues, now would be a good time to resolve them.

Huh, Chris Usher of TIME snapped Karl Rove with an iPhone. And they look pretty silly in Minnesota Twins hats. John Gruber of Daring Fireball mentions the need for a caption contest. He's absolutely right.

What do you think they're saying or playing on the iPhone?
"Beastie Boys... hm, no... Beyonce, Black Eyed Peas, Bloc Party, I dunno, what do you want to listen to? Beyonce okay?"
"You can't trust Sid Hartman for Twins baseball analysis. Only Aaron Gleeman."

I'd love to see what folks come up with on this one.

This story is so disturbing it simply MUST be true. A reader sent me his personal story of what lengths (excuse the pun) he went through to get an 8GB iPhone. There are many things I would do for an insanely great Apple product...this is not among them.

Nuts and bolts (okay just nuts) of getting an iPhone... I openly admit to being an Apple Fanboy to the extreme. In fact, my wife had me agree to an annual budget for all of my electronic purchases...then came the iPhone announcement in January. I was smitten. Problem: my budget is already spent, my Sprint contract was in force through December. My loving wife agreed to let me get the iPhone (and not have the cost deducted from my "toy" budget) if I would wait until the Sprint contract expired. The iPhone goes on sale..... On a road trip with my kids (wife was at home with baby) I arrived at 10:50 pm in Boise. Next door (okay I had to drive around a bit) to the hotel was an AT&T store. I went in to just take a peek at the Jesus Phone...needless to say, I left the store with a brand new 4GB iPhone. I callled my wife with good news and bad news. Good: We arrived in Boise safely. Bad: I bought an iPhone. The very next morning I returned the iPhone. I was angry, depressed, insulted...you get the point. My wife joined me in Denver the next day...but I was reluctant to even speak with her (you know, pouting). Noticing my sadness (obsession) she inquired "How badly do you want the phone?". I let her know that I wanted it very, very badly. She asked me if I'd be willing to finally make that appointment for a vasectomy? I absolutely love my new 8GB iPhone.

Maybe you've heard of ill-fated Microsoft iLoo. Well, someone took at Atech took that idea and ran with it, like they were afraid someone would take it away from them. Anyone want to make bets whether they made a profit on this one? Can we dream for a 'works with iPhone' sticker on this must-have accessory? [via camarochris]

Dave Stolte had a nasty surprise in store for him, upon returning from a trip to Eurorpe (with his iPhone) - a $3,000 bill from AT&T. It seems David learned the hard way that AT&T does not offer international roaming with its iPhone data plans.

Two weeks of travel with sporadic AT&T EDGE network usage off and on mixed with wifi when available... $3000. Doing some research, I learned this morning that AT&T offers unlimited international data usage at $70 per month to its Blackberry customers. Here's my bottom line: I want this same usage plan to be made available to iPhone customers and to be applied retroactively to my account.

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USA Today posted tiny snippets of an interview with Steve Wozniak, shown above playing Segway Polo. Apparently, the iPhone was the theme of the brief interview. The view from the clouds is that Woz loves the iPhone, but he's still using his RAZR for voice, though he vastly prefers the iPhone to other smartphones. He's got a wish list of things he wants to see in the iPhone, and he intends to give his wish list to Jobs. Here's a short rundown:

• 3G in a future revision
• voice dialing
• current temperature on the home screen

The amusing thing about this is how it all makes Fake Steve Jobs annoyed:

So now we'll have to waste half a day bringing him in and hearing all his big ideas and letting him draw on a white board and give orders to some cafeteria workers that we dress up as engineers.

[image credit]

It was bound to happen eventually. Now the long lines of techno fetishists waiting in front of Apple Stores to buy a phone have been replaced by lines of creepy 40 year olds dressed as wizards, standing in front of bookstores to buy a children's book.

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Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central's Colbert Report finally got an iPhone, and he's posted his first impressions in a "March to Enslavement" installment. We're obviously doomed for robot masters as indicated above, but at least we'll be happy, as indicated below

[via]

There was some brouhaha about the iPhone on Duke's network, something about it bringing the network down, and some network or school administrator blamed it on the iPhone. Well, it turns out that maybe the iPhone wasn't at fault. Duke officially said it was something else's fault. I hadn't reported on this earlier (part of that whole editorial process; why report on something that isn't related to news?), as being a sysadmin in a former career, it sounded like there was a configuration mistake on their network. And you know, it still sounds like there was a configuration flaw in their Cisco kit to me. Let's go to the source of it and translate. I speak a few languages poorly, and press release happens to be one of them:

"The reality is that a particular set of conditions made the Duke wireless network experience some minor and temporary disruptions in service. Those conditions involve our deployment of a very large Cisco-based wireless network that supports multiple network protocols."

Translation: "It's pretty much Cisco's fault." Duke's Cisco-based wireless network sucks!

I don't know who this guy is but his parody is brilliant, if raunchy.

ReadSource

If all of these were made into news slices, we'd have to reconfigure the page to fit everything in. So, it's going to have to go into a roundup article instead. We'll start with the above cartoon from Gizmodo, who apply the curious moniker of "Jesusphone" to the iPhone. I'm more prone to calling it the Mosesphone, as it's leading me to the promised land of smartphones. If it really was the Jesusphone, all of my other smartphones would suddenly stop sucking, right?

Activation and Deactivation? Inactivation?

Should you wish to avoid these problems, perhaps try this advice, or just trust in the fact that AT&T has fixed the server bug and you had a 98% chance of going through anyway. I've only seen one gripe of a defective iPhone, and the article about it is here.

iPhone Firmware Hacking

The next big story is disassembly and hacking. In addition to our takeapart coverage, there's more at Wired and All Things D.

Wired launched a call to hack the iPhone, as did iPhoneTunes. It was not long before their call was answered, and the iPhone firmware was found [via] They found out what kind of processor the iPhone uses, it's a beefy Samsung processor.

Around the World in 80k

There are still places in the world the iPhone isn't available. If you live in Alaska or the Midwest, this may interest you: AT&T is buying Dobson [via], who owns cell phone companies in Alaska and the midwest. If you're in Europe, this rumor was posted, claiming Vodaphone and T-Mobile both as the iPhone vendor. We'll find out tomorrow if it was true, eh? Also, still no official word on Canada, besides that the AT&T iPhone doesn't work on any network besides AT&T, as it's not available unlocked. A somewhat clueless U.K. company claimed Java is surely the route for games on the iPhone, when Steve Jobs confirmed otherwise.

Activation Hacking

Fear not, though; the race is also on to unlock the iPhone. It's been claimed to be done already, but I think they may have confused activation with unlocking. Speaking of activation, if you want prepaid, there's an easy way to ensure prepaid is offered to you.

Huh, the i-What?

Competitors are unafraid, naturally. In the off chance that they admit they've heard of it, they thump their chest. RIM, makers of popular Blackberries, saw their stock surge up, and by quite a bit. Verizon stayed open late for iDay, but for no apparent reason.

Apple News

Then, there's some Apple news. Apple sold anywhere from 300,000 to 700,000 iPhones. This kind of component speculation is always anyone's guess, but current groupthink puts the actual component cost (that's minus R&D) to be about 200 bucks (more or less what iSuppli predicted), which is a tidy sum of profit for Apple and Foxconn. Also, User guides have been posted online. Secret workings of iTunes 7.3 have been discovered. Apple has posted official store accessories for the iPhone. Universal, clamoring for attention, wants more money and is "threatening" to pull out of #3 music retailer iTunes. $ure, they are.

Other Reviews and Roundups

In addition to ours, there are some full reviews and first impressions at some well respected sites. If this is not enough, there are other roundups out there.

It's seriously a smorgasbord of hype out there. I read more daily than I can shake a stick at. If hype was gold I'd be a leprechaun.

The always entertaining Fake Steve Jobs posts a hype article that includes articles that this article doesn't include. The hype articles listed therein are good, and I'd list them if they weren't already listed there. Plus that turns this meta-hype article a epistemological study of meta-hype articles, which is so Web 2.0. Highlights:

• "This is the most anticipated phone since Alexander Graham Bell did his."
• Robert X Cringely of PBS with an Apple-Google conspiracy
• Sagacious Daniel Eran of Roughly Drafted, with a meta-hype article himself.
• and more

There's a syndicated cartoon by Nick Anderson that shows Jobs as Moses. The guy at the Raw Feed thinks it mocks the iPhone "Fanboy iPhone Histeria [sic]." Now, I'm not a theologian or anything, but I'm pretty sure Moses led his people out of slavery and into the promised land, and I'm reasonably positive if you follow the analogy, that makes Jobs some sort of biblically revered hero to Christians, Jews, and Muslims. Not too shabby, he's not the #1 top-paid CEO for nothing.

Apple iPhone displays are going up left and right, and so are articles describing them, but I liked iLounges's best.

There's a very excellent article at Forbes that reports on poll results of 680 people that were considering purchasing an iPhone. Coming in last place is that it's an Apple product (that is, it only mattered to around 30% of those polled). That is to say that "all the anticipation is about the actual, physical product and its features" [Thank You iPod Observer]

And lastly, the CEO of ARM is excited about what the iPhone will do to the smartphone market: he believes that it's going to have a sort of halo effect on all smartphones. I know he's not alone, there are plenty of smart folks that agree with him.

I'm curious to see what happens with the "rising tide" theory. There wasn't much of a rising tide with mp3 players; Apple is pretty much the only one you hear about unless you have gadget sites in your RSS reader or your buddies like poking fun of the Zune. On the other hand, the carrier exclusivity is a major, major variable, but still: 40% of the folks on AT&T's iPhone email list are from other networks. Those are real smartphone customers. It will be interesting to see what happens when the dust settles a bit.

Haha, just kidding. It looks to be another busy day here at phone different.

So, there's a lot of press out there that says there's likely to be a smackdown between the two; I don't think that's too likely, but it will give some valuable insight to how the two of them operate and where they think the industry will go. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have the smackdown, which is why this makes me laugh.

Technorati Tags: Gates, Jobs, haha