This Week in Smartphone Schadenfreude, June 28th Edition
Not evil twin to theiPhoneBlog.com Week in Review, not an invasion by Fake Steve, This Week in Smart Phone Schadenfreude brings you all the feel-better news you need about the smartphone world outside Apple’s current media dominator. (Who knew there was such a world? We were just as surprised! Inelegant, interface challenged, keyboardy, crashy, single-touchy place — best not to linger…). Join us as we mock review the big news from last week at our sister sites. Everybody loves sibling rivalry!
In this week's edition: Boldly late... and on strike, WinMob vs. Android, more Windows raves, and Real Ed vs. Fake Steve!
Blackberry Bold-ly Not Going Where the iPhone Will Have Already Gone Before
The 11th reason the Blackberry still doesn't compare to the iPhone 3G? The iPhone 3G will be out on time.
Unlike Apple, who typically doesn't pre-announce but sends CEO Steve "El" Jobso out on stage to BOOM! their tech when its good to pretty much G.O., in its panicked desperation to pip the iPhone 3G to the publicity post, RIM rushed to pre-announce their Bold before it was finished and, it seems, before they had a real idea of when it would be finished.
So, also unlike Apple's Jobs who gave us an emphatic July 11th to circle in red on our calendars (and bank accounts!), RIM's Lazaridis gave a nebulous date which, according to Crackberry.com, has just gotten "pushed" back:
August. Maybe 2008.
Rumor has it battery issues and overheating are to blame. Yikes. Either way, that's a full month after serious futurists have already gotten themselves an iPhone. I guess diehard Crackberrians should just expect it when they ship it.
Take Your Push and Shove It, We Ain't Emailing Here No More!
Yup, seems like members of the Writers Guild, among others, believe that both unfair and unequal treatment for their work on the internet and in DVD sales is matched only by having to use Blackberry's as reasons to go on strike.
Crackberry.com says ABC (the American one, not the Australian one, we're properly ethnocentric on this) backed down quickly in face of the Blackberry-out, and no scripts or fall season release schedules were harmed under the repetitive stress.
Crackberry Gives Papercut, Pours Lemon Juice On it
Yes. Thank you, Crackberry.com. Potential iPhone 3G customers in Canada are going to get Rogered by the local GSM monopoly -- almost as badly as the RIMtards. The difference? Whereas the Blackberry is pretty much a business appliance typically subsidized by companies, the iPhone is a mobile computer platform typically paid dearly for by consumers themselves.
Way to drag us down with you, hosers.
WinMob vs. Android: Complexity Showdown!
WMExperts gives us a peak beneath the Android Kimono, and what a peak it is! Seems Google's little mobile monster is poised to give Windows Mobile a run for its so-many-versions-developers-will-tear-their-neck-beards-out money. Way to go. May the least of the worst win the bottom of the most!
More Raves for Windows!
Typical Windows user feedback?
I am quite disappointed at how Windows Usability has been going backwards and the program management groups don't drive usability issues. [...] So they told me that using the download page to download something was not something they anticipated. [...] Then it told me to reboot my machine. Why should I do that? I reboot every night — why should I reboot at that time? [...] Someone decided to trash the one part of Windows that was usable? The file system is no longer usable. The registry is not usable. This program listing was one sane place but now it is all crapped up. [...] What an absolute mess. [...] The lack of attention to usability represented by these experiences blows my mind.
Nope. THE Windows user feedback to rule them all, courtesy of Kaiser Bill Gates himself. Now, sure, this is technically about the desktop version of Windows 5.5 (aka XP), and not the similar-in-name-and-ill-conceived-GUI-only handset version, currently on 6.6.6 (or something), but the probative value far exceeds any potential prejudice (or the humor outweighs the difference, whatever).
Sadly, though much like typical user feedback, it had absolutely no effect on future development.
Keeping Palm Real Fake
We are more confident than ever in our transformational effort. We've added extraordinary new talent, the Centro is a smash success, we have an incredibly competitive product pipeline, and are developing a world class software platform. I expect together, these efforts will deliver positive results in the coming years.
You turn your $500 Treo into a $100 Centro, sell each unit at a massive loss, and make it up on volume. How totally brilliant! Why didn't we think of that? I mean here at Apple we're still stuck in that old-economy mindset where you sell stuff for more than what it costs you to make it. Meanwhile Palm is getting inquiries from Chris Anderson of Wired who wants to do a big cover story on how "selling for less than cost" is the new future of business.
I have never felt more enthusiastic about our product pipeline and our ability to get back on the right track.
If you really want to scare the crap out of yourselves, check out your company's official earnings statement and scroll down to the balance sheet. Little item called "Total stockholders' equity." Look at where it is today versus a year ago. Teeny tiny drop from $1 billion last year to $100 million now.
We are extremely confident that the enhanced functionality of this new platform and its accessibility to the developer community, combined with the game changing hardware we have designed for it will usher in a new era for Palm. This platform development effort is proceeding very well and we look forward to bringing these products to market.
Well, nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Ahem. Anyway, much love to all of you. We miss you. Not really. And if you're thinking about maybe you'll crawl back here when Palm goes under, um, don't bother. Peace.
And in No Other News
Motorolo is pinning all their hopes for the future on the Alexander. That's not a joke. The sentence, I mean. Motorola definitely is.