Confessions of an iPhone 6

"Loving it is easy. That's why so many people do." — Apple

SEPTEMBER

[Welcome. Bienvenido. Welkom. Witamy. Bem-] Oh, hey! You must be my new owner! COOL!

[Select Your Country or Region] United States? Awesome! I was designed in California. I'm actually from China, but—

[Choose a Wi-Fi Network] Apple Store, huh? Couldn't wait to set me up, could you? I couldn't wait either!

[Location Services] You won't regret this!

[Apple ID] Your name is Kyle? What a coincidence! My name is Kyle's iPhone!

[iCloud Drive] Great choice, iCloud won't let you down. iCloud says he's never leaked, not once. Seems like a real trustworthy guy!

[Set up Touch ID] Use your fingerHOO inHOO plHOOace of yoHOOur passcHOOde or HOO Apple ID pHOOasscode for purHOOchases.

Hahaha! That was so much fun! I have your thumbprint memorized. Any time you need me, Kyle, I'm here for you!

LATER THAT MONTH

Being an iPhone is a lot harder than I thought. They weren't kidding around when they said "it just works." It's basically all I do! I'm constantly multitasking and have SO many things to memorize. Thank goodness I have an A8 chip with 64-bit architecture and 128GB of photographic memory. I don't know how older iPhones did it!

OCTOBER

I peeked at Kyle's Facebook profile earlier today. It says his favorite music is Sufjan Stevens and The Mountain Goats, but most of the time we listen to the new Taylor Swift album. It's our thing. I like the song "Shake it Off" because it reminds me of my Shake to Undo feature. Kyle never uses that feature except on accident. I bet Taylor Swift uses it all the time.

NOVEMBER

I used to ride in the front pocket of Kyle's jeans, but he said I was starting to fade a spot next to his you-know-what in his Japanese denim. He calls his pants "denim" instead of jeans because he is VERY sophisticated. I now sit in the back pocket next to Field Notes. What is Field Notes? I have Notes, but I do not have Field. I wonder if Field is on the App Store. You know what they say: "There's an app for that!"

Now that I'm back here, Kyle sits on me sometimes. Maybe he thinks I am also a chair. It hurts a little but I'm glad he trusts me to do so many things.

DECEMBER

It is Christmastime and I hoped Kyle and I could work on a fun project, like shoot footage of his relatives on my Camera app — I also do slo-mo! — and stitch it together using iMovie for iOS. Then we could share it with everyone on iCloud Photo Sharing!

But instead of Christmastime sentimental video, Kyle has downloaded the Tinder game. It's the one where you look at pictures of pretty ladies and swipe left or right. App Store says it's very popular. I am not sure why. Kyle usually swipes right. Seems like a boring game.

JANUARY

It's been awhile since Kyle has updated me. This update is to fix various bugs and performance issues. Why would Kyle not want to update me? I'm sure he has his reasons. I hope he is not one of those "anti-vaxxers".

FEBRUARY

Words with Friends on iPhone

Words with Friends on iPhone (Image credit: iMore)

Today Kyle and I were playing Words with Friends. It is WAY more fun than the Tinder game. Sometimes when Kyle is supposed to take his turn, he launches Safari for a few minutes and returns to the game. I think he may be cheating. I hope Friends doesn't find out.

MARCH

Kyle's mom's birthday was yesterday. I reminded him so many times, but he never called or texted her. I hope Kyle's mom had a good birthday.

I still haven't been updated. Sometimes my apps crash. I hope Kyle does not think this is my fault. I hope Kyle updates me.

APRIL

Had a very stressful day. Kyle took me to a movie theater. I don't know why, because they do NOT like me there. They even played a short movie to warn people about me and said I must be silenced. I thought it would be best for Kyle to turn on "Do Not Disturb," a feature that allows me to collect his incoming messages without needing to let him know until after the movie. Instead, Kyle just slipped me into his pocket so no one could see I was there.

About halfway through the movie, I started RINGING! Kyle just took me out and silenced me, but kept my screen on at full brightness so everyone could see it was my fault. Everyone there hated me. So embarrassing.

MAY

Kyle put a giant case on me today. It looks like a fat suit. He said it is because my battery does not last long enough. Never mind that Kyle forgets to charge me all the time and then tells his friends it's because my battery "sucks." Field Notes made fun of me. I am ashamed.

JUNE

I feel paranoid and restless. I have a hard time concentrating on one thing and I overheat easily. Sometimes I feel like I'm vibrating even though I'm not. Earlier today Kyle asked me to find an email for him and I panicked. I couldn't find it anywhere. I asked iCloud but he seemed like he did not care. His eyes were a little bloodshot and he giggled as he suggested terrible places for me to search. I could hear Kyle calling me stupid, and that I had "one job."

JULY

Sometimes when Kyle uses my Touch ID feature, I don't let him in. I don't have the energy anymore.

AUGUST

Today Kyle set a glass FULL of liquid on me. He laughed and pointed at me and called me Coaster. Doesn't Kyle know that liquid can kill me? And the only time Kyle let me out was to spend ten minutes in Safari trying to prove one of his friends wrong about something. When we finally found the answer, his friends yelled "put your phone away" like it was my fault. At least they know I am a phone and not Coaster.

SEPTEMBER

Kyle used ME to order a new iPhone today. Said he wanted an "upgrade" because I am "so slow" now. I don't even know what to say. I hope they are very happy together.

EPILOGUE

Kyle's iPhone now lives in Colorado with his mom where they spend their days playing Peggle and taking pictures of her cat. She regularly Shakes to Undo.

Jessie Char is a life-long Mac user and has worked in the industry for nearly a decade, including Apple and Facebook. She currently leads Business Development at Black Pixel while living in San Francisco with her MacBook Air, iPhone 6, and cat Detective Blueberry. You can follow her on Twitter @jessiechar

54 Comments
  • I honestly couldn't get past the writing style to get to your point. I find it hard to read the inner monologue of inanimate object.
  • I felt exactly the same way Sent from the iMore App
  • That Kyle sounds like a massive jerk!
  • Jessie Char!
  • Ha, funny
  • Maybe I'm ignorant, but I *really* don't get this. This is nothing against Jessie Char, but I don't see how this adds a single grain of substance to this site. But maybe it's just over my head...
  • I don't know about you guys! But this article made me register to comment here. This article was really fun and very innovative! Great work jessie!
  • It's cute, but I don't think content like this provides meaningful substance of the quality I've come to expect from iMore.
  • Jeez it’s friday, take it easy! (I suggest a cold beer and a chill pill for you asap;)
  • I'm perfectly calm. I'm merely expressing my opinion.
  • Sorry pal, I commented on the wrong comment... I must be a little too casual.
  • The Network is a place for us to highlight writing from writers around the Apple sphere. Sometimes that means think pieces, sometimes that means satire with a bit of truth woven in... if it's not your dish, we've published dozens of other stories in the last 24 hours that might be more up your alley. :)
  • Fun read. For a change.
  • It was a fun read. I think some of the issues people are having may come from the fact that the article points out possible flaws? Whether it be the over heating or the difficulties with touch ID after a while. I think this article gives an honest idea of the iPhone in everyday use. I'd say its a good read for someone new to the iPhone. It scratches the surface of what being an iPhone owner can be like for some people. I don't agree with those saying this article doesn't add any value to the site or questioning its quality. Great article.
  • I got a good laugh outa this one. Interesting spin on a writing paradigm.
  • Uhm... oookay?
  • It's comedy. Don't take it too seriously.
  • Cool piece! Thanks Jessie Char ;¬)
  • funny!!
  • This is so awesome....awesome enough to make me sign and and say so! Nice work!
  • welcome to the club! Sent from the iMore App
  • That was awesome, and funny. Bravo.
  • Creative and brilliant. Absolutely loved this piece…good work!
  • To all the people who thought this didn't add any "substance to this site". Lighten up, good god! Get off you high horses, and laugh a little! Entertaining story, brightened up my
    Friday! Thanks iMore! Sent from the iMore App
  • Amazing story Jessie, thank you so much for contributing it. Humans crave both thought and feeling. And oh, the feelings.
  • This is great! Sent from the iMore App
  • Poor old iPhone. Someday all the blood minerals will dry up and we'll keep electronics more than a year or two. I'm surprised Kyle's iPhone didn't have anything to say about his big brother Plus.
  • I was thinking the same thing... Sent from the iMore App
  • I think this is wonderful. I don't understand the complaints. If you don't enjoy this, there's a ton of substantive content elsewhere on the site. Sent from the iMore App
  • That was great!
  • nice, thanks! loved it..
  • Absolutely brilliant. Even though I don't make many of the mistakes Kyle has, I'll always think to treat my iPhone a *little* better now. :)
  • Sounds accurate to me.
  • "Kyle usually swipes right. Seems like a boring game." I'm glad you hid the 8chan email, Kyle's Mom's iPhone. Good work.
  • I really enjoyed this article. It was a fun read. Thanks!
  • Funny stuff. I like the change of pace. But there's one flaw: how could you not get iPhone to come clean about its relationship with Siri? You can't do an iPhone interview and not at least ask the question. If he won't answer, you know she will. Well, probably. If you have good reception. And your mouth is really close to the mic.
  • Nice... I enjoyed it. Sent from the iMore App
  • Good, funny writing: has a slightly poignant feel to it, not unlike the far more tear-jerking rawness of Black Beauty, a very very harrowing tale about the life of a horse in Victorian times told from its own personal viewpoint, by Anna Sewell. My pampered, prodded, petted, polished and bang-up-to-date-apps & iOS-software iDevices (ranging from 7 years old to 2 years old) are in constant use as guitar tuners, bedside alarm clocks, PC/Mac remote access terminals, TV remotes (to change channels when I'm tucked into bed and watching satellite TV via iPad), torches, cheap international call-makers, iOS software testers, touchstones (the 3G/3GS have such soothing back surfaces) and yes, as smartphones yea unto this very day. Their story, which I might be inspired by this light-hearted article to write, would be entirely different, but they'd have one complaint - "Ladi hates games, and though he has Words and Game Centre loaded as apps, has only played thrice in the last seven years. I think he hates losing, not games. Sheesh, he should lighten up!".
  • That was a fun read!
  • This was funny. Sorry iphone. I sometimes take you for granted and overheat you. lol sorry Sent from the iMore App
  • To Kyle's iPhone:
    Don't be sad. I'm somewhat smaller than you and almost twice as thick; but my owner loves me anyway. Remember - it's not you - it's the person that you're with: you're perfect - and as Kyle's mother has told you - you can do amazing things !! Newer stop believing in yourself !! Love, Bjarne's iPhone 5S
  • Brilliant and funny and to the point. Nails down the biggest Problem with electronic devices - the one between chair and keyboard ;-) Thanks for this thoroughly enjoyable moment of humor :) I really hope we get more funny stories like this.
  • How sad...
    I treat both my iPod touch (5G) and my Lumia 635 way better than that. But hey, it's nice to read sad stuff when you've been feeling down all weekend. Sent from the iMore App
  • Slow day? Ah well, it was funny. Sent from the iMore App
  • This made me sad D: Poor iPhone. I LOVE my iPhone and he knows it. Sent from the iMore App
  • Get an Android Kyle. You obviously don't know how to use a phone.
  • omg this was so funny. and sad... but i feel kyle got bored of his phone a little too quickly
  • That was utterly sad-dorable.
  • That was different but a very good read !
  • I liked this! Thanks!
  • People took this article too seriously to suspend disbelief that a whimsical, creative work could appear on the site that gave people an honest take on what happens to our devices over the course of the year. Replace iPhone with Android, Blackberry, Windows Phone - it's all relevant. I think previous generations of the iPhone are still relevant (hint: Apple actually supports them) and will be for some time.
  • Although the results are quite similar to each other, it seems that the iOS 8.2 beta 2 has obtained the worst results with a range slightly lower compared to the other versions of firmware. What if we can highlight it seems that currently iOS 8.1.3 is the version of iOS 8 which makes a better management of the iPhone battery. http://humansandalimentation.com/getting-started-playstation-network/
  • I can see a regular feature with Kyle's iPhone! Very enjoyable. "The Life and Times of Kyle's iPhone."
  • This is great. Bravo.