"Loving it is easy. That's why so many people do." — Apple
SEPTEMBER
[Welcome. Bienvenido. Welkom. Witamy. Bem-] Oh, hey! You must be my new owner! COOL!
[Select Your Country or Region] United States? Awesome! I was designed in California. I'm actually from China, but—
[Choose a Wi-Fi Network] Apple Store, huh? Couldn't wait to set me up, could you? I couldn't wait either!
[Location Services] You won't regret this!
[Apple ID] Your name is Kyle? What a coincidence! My name is Kyle's iPhone!
[iCloud Drive] Great choice, iCloud won't let you down. iCloud says he's never leaked, not once. Seems like a real trustworthy guy!
[Set up Touch ID] Use your fingerHOO inHOO plHOOace of yoHOOur passcHOOde or HOO Apple ID pHOOasscode for purHOOchases.
Hahaha! That was so much fun! I have your thumbprint memorized. Any time you need me, Kyle, I'm here for you!
LATER THAT MONTH
Being an iPhone is a lot harder than I thought. They weren't kidding around when they said "it just works." It's basically all I do! I'm constantly multitasking and have SO many things to memorize. Thank goodness I have an A8 chip with 64-bit architecture and 128GB of photographic memory. I don't know how older iPhones did it!
OCTOBER
I peeked at Kyle's Facebook profile earlier today. It says his favorite music is Sufjan Stevens and The Mountain Goats, but most of the time we listen to the new Taylor Swift album. It's our thing. I like the song "Shake it Off" because it reminds me of my Shake to Undo feature. Kyle never uses that feature except on accident. I bet Taylor Swift uses it all the time.
NOVEMBER
I used to ride in the front pocket of Kyle's jeans, but he said I was starting to fade a spot next to his you-know-what in his Japanese denim. He calls his pants "denim" instead of jeans because he is VERY sophisticated. I now sit in the back pocket next to Field Notes. What is Field Notes? I have Notes, but I do not have Field. I wonder if Field is on the App Store. You know what they say: "There's an app for that!"
Now that I'm back here, Kyle sits on me sometimes. Maybe he thinks I am also a chair. It hurts a little but I'm glad he trusts me to do so many things.
DECEMBER
It is Christmastime and I hoped Kyle and I could work on a fun project, like shoot footage of his relatives on my Camera app — I also do slo-mo! — and stitch it together using iMovie for iOS. Then we could share it with everyone on iCloud Photo Sharing!
But instead of Christmastime sentimental video, Kyle has downloaded the Tinder game. It's the one where you look at pictures of pretty ladies and swipe left or right. App Store says it's very popular. I am not sure why. Kyle usually swipes right. Seems like a boring game.
JANUARY
It's been awhile since Kyle has updated me. This update is to fix various bugs and performance issues. Why would Kyle not want to update me? I'm sure he has his reasons. I hope he is not one of those "anti-vaxxers".
FEBRUARY
Today Kyle and I were playing Words with Friends. It is WAY more fun than the Tinder game. Sometimes when Kyle is supposed to take his turn, he launches Safari for a few minutes and returns to the game. I think he may be cheating. I hope Friends doesn't find out.
MARCH
Kyle's mom's birthday was yesterday. I reminded him so many times, but he never called or texted her. I hope Kyle's mom had a good birthday.
I still haven't been updated. Sometimes my apps crash. I hope Kyle does not think this is my fault. I hope Kyle updates me.
APRIL
Had a very stressful day. Kyle took me to a movie theater. I don't know why, because they do NOT like me there. They even played a short movie to warn people about me and said I must be silenced. I thought it would be best for Kyle to turn on "Do Not Disturb," a feature that allows me to collect his incoming messages without needing to let him know until after the movie. Instead, Kyle just slipped me into his pocket so no one could see I was there.
About halfway through the movie, I started RINGING! Kyle just took me out and silenced me, but kept my screen on at full brightness so everyone could see it was my fault. Everyone there hated me. So embarrassing.
MAY
Kyle put a giant case on me today. It looks like a fat suit. He said it is because my battery does not last long enough. Never mind that Kyle forgets to charge me all the time and then tells his friends it's because my battery "sucks." Field Notes made fun of me. I am ashamed.
JUNE
I feel paranoid and restless. I have a hard time concentrating on one thing and I overheat easily. Sometimes I feel like I'm vibrating even though I'm not. Earlier today Kyle asked me to find an email for him and I panicked. I couldn't find it anywhere. I asked iCloud but he seemed like he did not care. His eyes were a little bloodshot and he giggled as he suggested terrible places for me to search. I could hear Kyle calling me stupid, and that I had "one job."
JULY
Sometimes when Kyle uses my Touch ID feature, I don't let him in. I don't have the energy anymore.
AUGUST
Today Kyle set a glass FULL of liquid on me. He laughed and pointed at me and called me Coaster. Doesn't Kyle know that liquid can kill me? And the only time Kyle let me out was to spend ten minutes in Safari trying to prove one of his friends wrong about something. When we finally found the answer, his friends yelled "put your phone away" like it was my fault. At least they know I am a phone and not Coaster.
SEPTEMBER
Kyle used ME to order a new iPhone today. Said he wanted an "upgrade" because I am "so slow" now. I don't even know what to say. I hope they are very happy together.
EPILOGUE
Kyle's iPhone now lives in Colorado with his mom where they spend their days playing Peggle and taking pictures of her cat. She regularly Shakes to Undo.
