This Week in Smartphone Schadenfreude, June 7th, 2008 Edition

Not evil twin to Week in Review, not an invasion by Fake Steve, This Week in Smart Phone Schadenfreude brings you all the feel-better news you need about the smartphone world outside Apple’s current media dominator. (Who knew there was such a world? We were just as surprised! Inelegant, interface challenged, keyboardy, crashy, single-touchy place — best not to linger…). Join us as we mock review the big news from last week at our sister sites. Everybody loves sibling rivalry!

In this week's edition: Nothing. Seriously. It's like there's some event on Monday that's blotted out the smartphone sun...

(Okay, fine, maybe there's some small something or other we can dig up. Hit the read link...)

Breaking: TiPb Welcomes Messrs. Lazaridis, Ballmer, and Colligan!

More fake breaking news, as we've received no tips reporting that the head honchos over at RIM, Microsoft, and what's left of Palm have done nothing all week but wire up fiber channels and practice hitting "refresh" in anticipation of our live meta blog coverage of the WWDC keynote on Monday.

When reached for non-comment, dead-pan funnyman Lazaridis said, "C'mon, I need to know what Apple's new phone looks like this year so I can figure out what RIM's will look like next year!"

Monkey-Boy dance phenom Ballmer didn't chime in with, "We'll be selling 3 friktillian smartphones with Windows Mobile Se7en on by 2012, and we're going to need to know what else to copy beside Multi-touch!"

Colligan, however, when awoken from his 5 year stasis, never remained cool, "We have no interest in duplicating the iPhone. We're about to release our 19th version of the Treo 600, and we've got 37 more where that came from!".

Alrighty then...

ATTN:, RE: Coming Back Around...

Confession: We make a little fun of RIM's well-publicized and hugely embarrassing network outages (see, we did it again right there). But last week, when .Mac went down and we here at TiPb reported it pro-forma as the nothing little insignificant blip on an otherwise perfectly clear iPhone sky that it was, wasted no time, and spared no level of glee, in NOC'ing it up, and twisting it into some big brouhaha.

Bulletin: A .Mac outage probably effects exactly 3 iPhone users. If that. We don't like to publicize it, but even Dear Leader doesn't really use the service (he's using the new one already, which is why they needed some massive super secret upgrade you may be hearing about at a little developers conference you may have hear about, b'okay?) Anyway, .Mac going out is like the 300th ranked ISP in Bavaria going out -- barely anyone noticed. They were all busy with setting up their new Exchange or MobileMe accounts for Monday.

Payback: However, you noticed, and we noticed you noticing, so we called up our "friends" in Waterloo and convinced the former Canadian Tire cashier whose hand's on the giant red NOC-off lever that, since everyone on the planet will pretty much be iPhone-only this weekend, it would be the perfect time for a "scheduled" outage. Poor kid. We're talking hook, line, and voice-cracking sinker...

We're not sure what Crackberry addicts pop when the push is down (our guess -- Solitaire on Win95), but enjoy the weekend!

Microsoft Out the Gates and High on Life

Or something! First up we have Microsoft (probably Ballmer), who according to is sending letters (probably cut out of a soon-to-be-extinct magazine and stick-glued onto unsold Vista boxtops...) to their partners desperately reassuring them that Windows Mobile 6.6.6 (or 6.1, whatever the latest -- and by that we mean most currently behind schedule -- release is) will somehow still be relevant come Monday after El Jobso drops the iPhone 2.0 bomb.

Er... yeah... Not sure how to break this to you, but Windows Mobile 6.x wasn't relevant after iPhone 1.0 back in January 2007. And instead of trying to get Windows Mobile Se7en up to iPhone 1.0 standards, you might want to think outside the little beige box and shoot for something innovative your own self?

And no, spreading rumors of a Blu-Ray Xbox 360 in some attempt to "steal Apple's thunder" is not innovative. A giant, red-ringing, PowerPC, noisy, inelegant gaming machine, no matter how we loves us our Gears of War, suddenly getting the technology that beat the stuffing out of your own HD-DVD format years after Sony released it in the PS3 just doesn't crossover the same news circles.

But here's an idea: maybe call that friend of yours Bill. You remember him, the one you no longer need but may still use? (Leastways he could help keep you from blurting out your envy towards the iPhone's admittedly top-tier browser experience...)

Government Tracking Treo Users is claiming that the US government is tracking cellphone users. Since some of us aren't in the US, or in Government, we have no way of knowing whether this is true or not, but since we grew up on everything from Orwell to the Matrix, we kinda just assumed it already.

What's particularly disturbing, however, is that reporting this makes us think the US Government is tracking Treo users as well.


Is it for anthropology, like when the Discovery Channel finds some lost, never before contacted Amazonian tribe and wants to study their behavior? Is it that they think tax dollars are well spent analyzing a people untouched by mobile technology since 1999?

Dunno. But we sure hope Dr. Jones doesn't get a shunning for his troubles.

And in No Other News

HTC finally got around to still not releasing their HTC Touch Diamond, which early reviews say just crackles on EDGE, given its lack of support for North American HSPA. Not a problem though, as it seems the OS is slow enough that you can barely notice...

Points for consistency, but you had to know slapping an extra layer of OS on top of WinMob and then chipping down the radio was putting the advertising spin before the handset, right?