Not evil twin to Phone Different Week in Review, not an invasion by Fake Steve, This Week in Smart Phone Schadenfreude brings you all the feel-better news you need about the smartphone world outside Apple’s current media dominator. (Who knew there was such a world? We were just as surprised! Inelegant, interface challenged, keyboardy, crashy, single-touchy place — best not to linger…). Join us as we mock review the big news from last week at our sister sites. Everybody loves sibling rivalry!
WinMob on ur Blackberryz
No, Crackberrians, no need to have an OS attack. Ballmer isn’t threatening to unleash his BSOD’d “platform” on the Javaware that passes to power your little e-mail monster (yet). Our bad. Maybe we should have titled this “WMExperts on the Blackberry Bold”, or maybe just “Hawt or Not?” instead?
Anyway, seems WMExperts.com had this to title about the first-to-market iClone job from RIM:
Alright, the BlackBerry 9000 is Hawt
Far be it for us to argue with Fearless Leader... So we’ll just yield the titular comeback to the Mossbergites over at D|All Things Digital:
Think of It as an iPhone With a Broken Touchscreen
Will do! Because we all know RIM CEO, and noted internet deadpan funnyman, Mike Lazaridis’ whiplash inducing take on the touch anyway: They stink -- let’s make one!
Blackberryz in ur iTunez
Sadly, this title is accurate. First RIM announces a $150 million development fund for “all mobile platforms” (read “iPhone”, since pretty much every other platform has had development going for years now and should already be a huge success, right?). Then, flabbergast-ingly enough, RIM -- incapable of, you know, actually engineering their own way to effortlessly sync media to the Blackberry even with $150 million to throw at it -- has decided to use Apple’s. So far there are no reports of RIM actually licensing iTunes connectivity from Apple, like... say... Apple just licensed Exchange ActiveSync connectivity from Microsoft.
Oksy, so let's get this straight. First, RIM says they’ll give to the iPhone whether Apple likes it -- or needs it -- or not, and now they’ll take. Fiendishly clever, Lazaridis. Or it would be if you were a 12 year old 133t Hax0r in your parents’ basement, and not the CEO of the (technically) dominant smartphone maker in the world.
Hey RIM, how’d you like it if Ballmer monkey-boy danced his way into your NOC?
State of the WinMob -- A Microsoft Mulligan?
You know, Windows Mobile is horrible. [...] It's horrible. Horrible. [...] Don't even get me started, we don't have time. I... I... Windows Mobile is a disaster. [...] [Is Windows 6.1 better?] Better than what? Yeah, it's better than 5. But so what? This thing has the latest, 6.1 or whatever, the phone I'm using now. God, what a... it's terrible. It's terrible. They should be ashamed of themselves. They've had this thing... I don't.. God, it's embarrassing. And, you know, I stuck around and I had the motorola Q for along time which I stuck with because of the high speed network and the fact that I could tether it to my laptop and use it as a high speed modem for my laptop. That's great. I miss that. I'm going to tell you, though, the Windows Mobile stuff.. geez... It's like going back.. Oh, god, it makes Windows 95 look futuristic by comparison. [Is it challenging getting an OS onto mobiles?] Okay, Apple did something pretty impressive. [The iPhone doesn't have cut and paste.] I hear ya, I'm just saying, you know, from a usability standpoint -- night and day. [...] This thing is a piece of crap. They should completely start over. It's horrible. It's a complete waste of time. They should just pretend this never happened. This is.. it's... it is the mulligan. They should just start over. Nobody uses the thing anyway. It's just ridiculous. [Treo 700w, HTC, and people love Sprint handsets...] I wouldn't say love. Remember what they love about these devices are the form factors. The keyboards and, you know... You're not going to find too many people who... I... I shouldn't say that because, of course... [...] You know what, look, I hear from Apple guys obviously. At least that I get. I mean, I could have my arguments with these people but at least Apple makes high quality stuff so we can arg--we can nitpick over whatever we want. If someone is actually going to come to me and explain that Windows Mobile is not, in fact, a piece of crap, I'm sorry, I don't entertain lunacy. This... This thing is ridiculous. No, it's terrible. No, it's not even like a debate, it's terrible. There's no -- you know what I'm saying -- we can debate things. We can't debate this. [...] It's terrible. There's nothing there.
And this from a man who likes the Zune...
Palm's 800th Verse -- Same as the First!
Okay, even we have to admit it: the upcoming 800w is the Palm device we always wanted...
Back in 2005 when it should have shipped.
It takes until now to get WiFi? Now? Really? And still not on Palm OS "Granite", but on Windows Mobile 6.1, which even HTC is desperately trying to hide like a Remond-headed stepchild?
Treocentral.com has the first "spy" pics, but honestly, who can tell if that's even an 800w and not a 680 or even a 600 with a clever case and antenna mod?
And word to the "shadowmite", how about obscuring the serial number on the proto and, hey, your reflection on the screen, so, you know, Colligan doesn't have the hounds unleashed next time he spots you sneaking into the antiquities wing of Palm HQ, b'okay?
Definitions of Nova
noun ( pl. -vae |-vē; -ˌvī| or -vas ) Astronomy
a star showing a sudden large increase in brightness and then slowly returning to its original state over a few months.
Do they pick these code names just so these columns write themselves? Seriously. Nothing says next generation, second coming, return to dominance like something that explodes, kills all life, only to end up an infinitely sucking mass of dark matter.
On the other hand, since it won't ship until first half 2009 at the earliest -- by which time iPhone 3.0 will be on its way, and maybe a new, non-iClony Blackberry revolution (we dare to dream!) as well -- perhaps Colligan and Co. really are code name picking geniuses?
And In No Other News...
We already covered how Sprint is
spending wasting $150 million advertising dollars just to make the brand new Samsung Instinct pale in copy-catastrophe next to the last gen iPhone, but in an effort to be more helpful than hurtful, here's some advice:
Just spend the money giving the devices away to your few remaining customers. You'll move far more units than if you try and sell them, and maybe even engender a few more months of gratitude usage.
Wow, being nice really is its own reward...